Resting in Contentment

I stood under a small awning, attempting to stay dry as the rain increased in intensity, tears welled in my eyes and for a moment it felt as if the whole world was crying with me. But this time they weren’t tears of sadness… to which I’ve grown so accustomed to… but tears of celebration. Celebration for the absolute contentment I was experiencing at every level of my being.

I was lost in the streets of Lisbon…. Clueless to the language, except for a few poor attempts at obrigada, to which everyone replied back with a “Thank you”… it seems I have the word American stamped across my forehead…  and I know not a single person within several thousand miles, yet I felt more at home than ever. At that moment I found the home I’ve been desperately searching for and all my needs were satiated. 

In my searching, I have always heard that home is in my heart… that contentment already lives within me in every moment, and intellectually I had no doubt that it was there. However, this feeling of homesickness would continually plague me no matter where I was physically, and it wasn’t until this moment, on these foreign streets soo very far away from my physical home, that I had really truly FELT this home I was always searching for.

I’ve had some incredibly high consciousness experiences and have danced with ecstasy and bliss for days on end, but even in that I hadn’t experienced the true lasting contentment that lays within my heart as well as the trust that it can’t go anywhere and will never be lost. The interesting thing about reaching for these high states of consciousness is it would always put them outside of me.. something to get to, to accomplish, to reach for. Something I had to "do" in order to “attain" peace. But as I sat there under that awning, it was spontaneous contentment that blossomed from the inside out. It was an opening of sorts… no reaching, no doing, no trying to attain anything… just a surrender to that which already exists within me. 

I watched as a moment of fear arose at the idea of this contentment going away, and just as quickly as it came, so did the knowing that it is me and therefore cannot go anywhere. Since that moment, this contentment has brought me to tears multiple times by the most simple moments… watching a butterfly, following a bumble bee, walking with a new friend, talking with an old friend and simply sitting in silence. While the turmoil of the mind still exists, as well as the sensations of being triggered, or hurt by something someone says still come over me, I know with certainty the contentment IS there and is my foundation to reside in… That it isn’t something that can be lost or stolen or cease to exist because it truly is me in the essence of all that is and nothing at all. 

The key I’ve been looking for has been in my pocket the whole time.